Less than a year ago, I lost a very special relative to cancer. In the last 5 years we developed a “father-daughter” relationship of sorts and I began to experience how special that can be for the first time. In the beginning, it was rough. He was an extreme type-A personality, hardcore businessman, athlete and collector of gadgets both large and small. I was in massage school. I remember him grilling me through pseudo-encounters of potential random meetings with future clients. Imagine you’re in an elevator, now explain the benefits of massage therapy in less than 30 seconds. “I’m not interested!” he would bark and make me try again. I wanted to cry. And I did on numerous occasions, but not then and there. Bob did not approve of wimps.
Anyway, this story could follow a hundred branches to different flowers, but the thing I was thinking about tonight was his guidance through deal making with oneself. Find out what is important to you, he said, and make a goal based on that. Create a written document that outlines what you will do in the long and short term to make that happen. Then sign it. His theory is if you can’t stick to a bargain you make with yourself, you’ll never stick with an agreement to someone else.
These last few weeks have really been on the up and up. I’m teaching a lot more yoga, my relationship is solid, I’ve been spending quality time with friends. But my yoga practice and study bring in such an influx of information and energy that I’m often pretty jacked up and can’t get to sleep at night. So I made a deal to “no more computer after 9”. I was thinking about writing this and wondering if I could get it done in time. But then I remember why I made the rule - so that I can relax more easily. Create a boundary so that I can be free within it, and allow myself to be flexible enough that when I want to break it, I can.
All that was to preface the cloak of worry that enclosed me this afternoon. Earlier on I had a great practice with Jenny and taught a Dynamic Flow class at Seattle Yoga Arts. Then the worry started to flood in. Worry is one of my imaginary friends from childhood that still has a coathook in the foyer. I’ve had a lot on my mind. In addition to everyday life stuff, I’m in the working on becoming a Certified Anusara yoga teacher. And it’s just a lot. Life is very full and exciting and there is hardly a moment for me to rest, ruminate or reflect.
So I am willingly breaking my agreement with myself to reach out. Lately I have found that there is often a point in Tantric philosophy that addresses my worries, my heaviness. Hey Anusara community, any ideas? Maybe I should tell people that I am writing this…