Reveal Yourself - Getting Back to Center
I am writing from Portland where I am attending an awesome lecture and workshop series on Biomechanics. The teacher, Jules Mitchell, is a present and excited about her material and it is a joy to learn from her. It’s a pretty cerebral room full of yogis, and I’ve always had a thing about not feeling smart enough for school so this story jumps out of that one.
There is a “joke” from Aaron Carroll via Rad about “the plural of anecdote is not data” Bwahahahahah! that I attempted to convey this and it fell flat on it’s face (it’s not really a joke). Hand to head. The research shows that me attempting to do something to “fit in” is strongly correlated with the initiation of a shame spiral. I’m so inarticulate and not smart enough to be here and NO ONE ever understands what I’m trying to say, NOBODY GETS ME!!!
I’ve learned in parenting one of the best solutions to meltdowns is to quickly shift the environment. Not in a disrespectful way, like shaking a toy in front of a kids face when they are crying, but physically moving their crying body outside. Holding them in my arms as the fresh air caresses their wet cheeks. I didn’t know until today that this also is a spectacular tool for myself in impending crisis.
However, it takes a moment to figure out what is going on. The first thing I did was run to the bathroom and lock myself in a stall, consider crying and instead pull out my phone. Distraction and numbing. Next, as I was exiting the studio, I stopped to talk to a friendly woman that I had seen around and asked her about where to find food in walking distance. Connection and strategy. Then I high-tailed it outta there.
As I walked, I felt like I was gonna cry, I wanted to scream, I was tempted to rerun the scenario in my head, but I just kept walking. I took deep breaths and observed the ordinary beauty of the colored craftsman houses all around me. I smiled at the bright green of new growth popping aggressively against the grey sky! Then I called a friend and she held space for me while I unpacked the situation and understood differently.
I gravitate towards biomechanics and alignment because it seems like it will be concrete and exact. Like it will give me reprieve from always walking through the unknown. The more that I learn about it, the more I understand that it just holds a different position in the quest for understanding. It dissects everything first to talk about and try to understand but always ends back up at the whole self, the whole body.
The way that I think about it, is how can we get back to center? How can we let ourselves experience life without disassociating or otherwise breaking down? Maybe we treat ourselves kindly, like we treat children we love. It’s a start anyway.