The Art of Doing Nothing part 1

I got an interesting note from a friend’s mom who has lived in Africa for several years now, reflecting on the fear I feel and the wonder at what I will do. She said that all of it is useful, that I will always remember it, and it will help me grasp how most of the population of the world lives.

There is so much emphasis on and credit given to being busy at home. Busy = successful. There is very little importance given to contemplation or how to investigate internal wisdom or taking the time to find out what really matters. Although I do think it’s changing. A good friend H asked a long time ago, what if successes were measured in wisdom instead of money?

As I was lying in bed this morning, trying to quiet my internal panic (in hope that the rooster would find a new roost) I thought, I’ve done it again! I’ve completely disrupted my routine in order to deepen my understanding of life. I left a burgeoning career in teaching that makes me so happy, a beautiful and supportive community and all of the comforts of home to arrive in the most different situation I’ve ever been in.

My life is proof that this is something that holds much importance to me. I’ve been doing it for as long as I’ve had the choice to test my spirit and grow the boundaries of what is possible. There has been solo travel to foreign lands, Lecoq, this intense Anusara certification process and engaging in as many intimate relationships as I could - and not without suffering. And sometimes not without making others around me suffer too, sorry guys.

But this time it’s different. I notice the usual pull of my own unhappiness/dissatisfaction with the circumstances to inflict suffering on others, but instead of doing that, I just tell Simon about it. One great surprise of this marriage thing is discovering that this wonderful man is committed to me no matter what. He’s not trying to make me “buck-up”. He is as supportive as he can be. We entered into this particular situation knowing that it would be hard for a while. And because of those things, I feel more secure in the uncertainty.

One of my worries is that I will stay inside and read and/or watch movies until all the movies and books are gone. Never go outside, never explore what lies beyond my front door. My brother gave us a really sweet wedding gift of the first 3 seasons of Damages and I am hooked. Where I could watch 2-5 a night S is happy with just one. I could stay inside watching until I’ve devoured it (and Breaking Bad, The Wire, and Family Guy). And that might somehow fit into the new plan.

The new plan is to do what feels good. To listen to the wisdom within, and try not to act against it, but in balance with what I already know to be true. I’ve already made one huge choice to deal with – moving here. I don’t think that I need to try and take on everything else at once. It is hard for me to accept this as a possible option. That it might be okay to take it easy for a moment. Anyone reading, feel free to send your thoughts on this.

Yesterday I read almost half of Persuasion and I really like it. If I start writing in paragraph-long sentences, you’ll know that slowly working my way through all of Jane Austen’s work is having its effect.

The real milk (UHT) went off when the gas for the fridge ran out last week, so now we have a big can of powdered milk. It’s reminiscent of my childhood before dairy was cut out to cure migraines. There is some mixed up in the fridge already so I can put it in my coffee straight away. Yep, I’m back to coffee, the Starbucks instant variety. If I bring my percolator, it will all be over, I’ll never sleep again.